Browsing the Musée Magee

No, not Magritte, not Manet - Magee! Many neighborhoods are all bent out of shape about their neighbors putting up grotesque McMansions featuring Greco-Roman columns with outsized proportions on a tiny lot combined with sundry crimes against aesthetics. In reality their problems are relative. Occasionally you come across someone who truly thinks outside the box and pushes the boundaries of what to expect from your neighbors. Here at the Musée Magee, located on the corner of Sylmar Avenue and Magnolia Boulevard, the curator has planted motorcycle halves in the middle of what was once a front lawn. Various other pieces are festooned along the sidewalk, our favorite being the television mounted on the cart from an old barbecue. According to the signage, the owner is seeking a rather large grant; philanthropists please inquire in person.

5209 Sylmar Avenue
Sherman Oaks, CA 91401
Open 24/7

Dives of the Valley - the Happiness of the Khachapuris

We've been on hiatus over the holidays here at Dives of the Valley, but thanks to a tip from our sleuth in the field Al Fresco, the staff of Liquid Premium swung into action once again. Best known for ransom kidnappings, giant mustaches and, of course, Joseph Stalin, Georgians have been making inroads into the San Fernando Valley. While they cook all manner of Italian fare including the world's largest pizzas 36" in diameter, that was not what brought us here.

Khachapuris are their claim to fame. This delight from the Caucasus is just what kidnapping gangs munch on while they await hefty ransom payments from western oil companies. Unfortunately, they don't serve Khvanchkara, the delightful Georgian wine that comes in the clay bottle, but who would notice if you snuck some in? A khachapuri is like a calzone, only it's open instead of folded. Typical filling includes two watery eggs, cheese, and a slice of butter. The bold can even add pastrami, but that will put hair on your chest. This joint even got the thumbs up from Ethical Bob! Warning: don't ask us to pay your ransom.

Big Mama & Papa's Pizza
14419 Sherman Way, on the Corner of Van Nuys
Tel: 818-787-6789 Fax: 818-787-8755

Budget Travel Van Nuys

Once derided as a "run-of-the-mill shithole" by Conde Naste Traveller, our beloved Van Nuys has come a long way. In generations gone by, tourists would flock by the thousands to observe the changing of the seasons in New England. Now thanks to our friends in the oil industry, climatological phenomena are no longer confined to any specific geographic region or time of year.

If you've already tapped out the equity in your home, air travel is probably out of the question for you anyhow. Not to worry, we have the vacation for you. After taking in the flora, you can pitch your tent anywhere outside the courthouse. Ample shopping cart parking is available. Be sure to check out the statue of Fernando, a nod to the forgotten indigenous inhabitants of this windswept gridlock. At night for entertainment, sing along with the street musicians in the campground.

Somebody Pass me the Nonsense-to-English Dictionary

Thugs With Heart

Have the notorious gangs of LA gone soft? Who is responsible for this graffiti Valentine? What's next, Hello Kitty?

Car Window Decal Culture

With the passage of the years, us Angelenos notice the trends in car window decals come and go. These stickers lend a bit of humanity to our anonymous freeways. Years ago, motorists annoyed us with their "Baby on Board" signs. These were soon replaced with the ever-present decal of Calvin (from Calvin & Hobbes) taking a leak. These too evolved. We soon saw Calvin urinating on the Ford symbol on the back windows of Chevy trucks. Then we saw Calvin pissing on "la Migra." Finally Calvin found faith and we saw him prostrating himself before a giant crucifix. Today's most popular stickers are the family decals. These friendly cartoon figures are a gentle reminder to the car behind you to please not honk at Carlos, Celia, Monique, Kharla, Karina, their dog Shirley, Vanessa, Angel and Tony.

Piano Lessons, Anyone?

We're no marketing geniuses over here at Liquid Premium, but how many people really take Quasimodo here up on his offer for piano lessons? We're certainly pleased that someone at least has a merit-based hiring policy and does not discriminate on the basis of appearance. This fellow was strategically placed outside Center BMW in Sherman Oaks in order to snare the prime demographic of upwardly mobile folk who would just love for young Rutherford and Constance to be able to plonk out Fur Elise when guests come over for Christmas dinner. Oh well, let's be grateful he's not stuck holding one of those "Lose Weight Now - Ask Me How" posters or an ad for fitness boot camp.

Easy for Vous to Say!

If you live in Southern California, over the years you come to view the world through your windshield while commuting to or from work. Today I had the pleasure of being stuck behind this pro-war Frenchman, with the license plate and frame reading "Donne Guerre Une Chance." I nearly dropped my Freedom Fries! What next, being stuck behind Log Cabin Republicans, Jamaican bobsledders, anti-immigrant Mexicans? Well, anyhow, Jean-Marie Le Pen or whoever you are, more power to you! Grab your baguette and beret and head "over there" instead of letting vos amis Americains do all the dirty work!

Bizarre Canine Behavior - Obsessive Footlicking

We have decided to share this discovery with the international scientific community. Our researchers have discovered this most peculiar syndrome in an American mutt. This specimen is known to lick feet for hours on end if left to his own devices. Is this run-of-the-mill OCD or perhaps something more sinister? We await input from concerned online animal behaviorists.

Boxman Captured!

At last we bring you the long-awaited Boxman on-camera interview! Previously featured in The Box Man Speaks, he now addresses the masses in living color!

Tuesday in the Valley

Bargain Hunting - Marketplace Hollywood

As soon as Thanksgiving was over, millions of Americans found themselves heading to the malls to begin their holiday shopping. The staff at Liquid Premium was no different. If you're looking for something unique for the person on your list who has everything, look no further. As Hollywood becomes peppered with luxury condominiums and upscale, mixed-use real estate development, micromarket economies continue to thrive. Muhamad Yunus may have won the Nobel Prize for his banking activities in Bangladesh, but his principles are firmly ensconced on our shores. Entrepreneurs at this makeshift sidewalk sale are proving daily that one man's trash is another man's treasure. Here you can snag a bargain on everything from clothing, artwork, and furniture to a forgotten Winnie the Pooh doll.

Hollywood Blvd. Flea Market
Weekends - Corner of Hollywood Blvd. & Garfield Pl.
Admission - free
Parking - free
Set up your own stall - also free

Urban Wildlife - WeHo Coyote Redux

These photos were actually taken a week ago. I initially selected only the two best photos for publication, but in light of the extensive public interest in this topic around the blogosphere (see Wildbell's [sic] and
Heathervescent over at Metroblogging LA), I decided to post this additional photo series. Through diligent application of the Cesar Milan "calm-assertive" method, I was able to win the trust of these wild dogs. They were soon eating out of my hand, fetching, heeling and even rolling over on command.

[Note: the top two photos and the last photo feature the coyote young'un mentioned in the previous post!]

Urban Wildlife - Street Coyotes

What appeared to be two off-leash dogs wandering the streets of West Hollywood at 2AM were actually wild animals. Nowhere near the hills, this parent-pup pair of coyotes (no pics of the baby) was roaming our streets looking for something to eat. Saddest of all was the young puppy, terrified of the camera. I hope they found their way back up to their hillside lair. All you domesticated housedogs and lapdogs have no idea how good you have it.

LA Street Food - Kike's Tacos

Tell the Zagat Guide to eat a d#@k! We've all heard the cliche about how what you pay for at a restaurant is the ambience ... yada yada yada. Well that's all it is - a hollow cliche. If you've ever dined out in Los Angeles, you know that what you're really paying for is some faux Tuscan hole in a stripmall with all the romance of a trip to the dentist, where you'll be ignored by some jerk whose name tag says "Giovanni" or "Bruno" when it really ought to say "Ahmed" and you have to pay for valet parking even though there are only three parking spaces in the whole lot which measures 20 feet by 20 feet. We've all had that experience where all we ordered was a sandwich and a coke and the waiter comes back grinning from ear to ear with a bill that demands $14.99. The staff here at Liquid Premium has good news for you: those days are over! We'll be keeping it strictly real here in this column, scouring the land to bring you only the purest Los Angeles street food.

Kike's (Kike is short for Enrique) Tacos sets up in a parking lot at the intersection of 2nd & Beaudry right in the heart of Downtown Los Angeles. After you roll down 2nd from Glendale on your bike and stop to change a tube, you can dine under the stars late at night for just pennies with a view of the fabulous Downtown skyline. Folding beach recliners complete with beverage holders in the arm rests are arranged for the patrons to gaze up at the city lights once the food coma sets in. Kike and his wife whip up dollar tacos made to order and then you help yourself to cilantro, onions, radishes and salsa from a long table with a checkered table cloth. Coolers full of softdrinks are available under the table. Buen provecho!

Kike's Tacos
2nd & Beaudry, Downtown Los Angeles
Open: when you're hungry late at night

Ridin' Dirty on the MTA

Jagshamesh! What to do at 4AM, Thansksgiving morning, after a snoozefest night on the town at some stodgy establishment and you're in no condition to drive anywhere? Reeling from the open bar with nowhere to go after getting thoroughly smashed on firewater, the MTA beckoned. Ditch the trust fund set and hop on the magic bus that takes the faithful to El Gran Burrito on Vermont & Santa Monica. Our intrepid correspondent and his loyal friend who was reared in the Российский коммунистический союз молодёжи, forged on into the madrugada. At this hour, a drunken Ukrainian can encounter all manner of commuters happily chatting to themselves on the great, big orange SUV, one of them shouting booyakasha to no one in particular.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel. A mob of hungry clubgoers surrounds this taco temple next to the metro station. Even though there's a shapeless throng halfway around the block, the fanatical staff keeps the crowd moving like there's no tomorrow. From the time the peppy cashier Lizette (who looks like her parents don't know she works at 4AM and probably waits for them to fall asleep before donning her apron) takes your order to the time the army of chefs creates your burrito, no more than five minutes passes. The men in the outdoor kitchen work like they're on speed or a fast forwarded videocasette and before you know it, you are in possession of the most amazing burrito in Los Angeles. For a mere $3.00 (or $1 for tacos) you can satisfy your hunger with a massive dose of lengua (personal favorite), carne asada, pork, chicken etc. with all the fixin's - chenquieh!

El Gran Burrito
4716 Santa Monica Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90029

Dives of the Valley Doubleheader Part Two - Home Plate Burgers

Who knew that Detroit Coney Island Hotdogs were available at the magical location of Saticoy & Reseda? With a stand right next to the car wash at this hub of commerce, how could any restauranteur not make a profit? While others buff away at your Lexus in the 85-degree November balm, you can gorge yourself on chili dogs & chili cheeseburgers. Mind you, your loyal correspondent had already taken on the hot pastrami sandwiches at Fat Uncle Rick's without flinching. The Home Plate advertises that all of their hotdogs and hamburgers are shipped from Detroit, whatever you may make of this. While we were enjoying our flag-waving patriotic chili dogs, we had to pay our last respects to a feathered friend. This city pigeon gave up the ghost during our meal, right next to our humble table. Sad to see him go, we are reassured that at least he chose a happy spot to spend his last lunch hour. Who knows, maybe he was from Detroit and had flown south for the sunny weather. Rest in peace, bird.

Home Plate Burgers
7615 Reseda Boulevard
Reseda, CA 91335

Dives of the Valley Double Header Part One - Fat Uncle Rick's

The staff of Liquid Premium will soon be taking a break from the Dives of the Valley in search of new material. In the meantime, we thought we'd leave you with two more gems to satisfy your appetite.

The first is Fat Uncle Rick's Famous Hot Pastrami Hut. This place makes Happy Dogs look like a five star restaurant. Minimalism is the message here and the music is in your plate. Don't let the gruff proprietor and his monster truck scare you away. He does have an intimidating sign with a picture of handcuffs reminding patrons that they are on camera and, "if you screw up, you will go to jail," but that's good advice wherever you choose to eat lunch.

Take your "fat ass pastrami sub" or "big butt burger" across the cracked parking lot to the bare school cafeteria-style seating in the sandbox overlooking the wash. On your way there, grab a drink from the Alta Dena Neighborhood Dairy Store next door. Once situated, you will disregard the blazing sun and dig into a sandwich that rates up there with the pastrami heavyweights at Langer's & Canter's. In fact, at $6.25 it punches well above its weight. This pastrami is simultaneously lean and juicy. Our team was able to put them away in a single breath.

Fat Uncle Rick's
22746 Saticoy Street
West Hills, CA 91307

Dives of the Valley - Greco's Pizzeria

Known for being home to the largest pizzas in the Valley, Greco's 28-inch monsters must be handled with both hands. A single slice is the size of a traffic cone. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, our seasoned team of a dozen gluttons was unable to put away even three of these behemoths. The team, of course, can expect a thorough raking over the coals at the next practice for this shameful loss of face. If staying fit and trim has anything to do with portion control and that's something you are concerned about, you will want to give Greco's a wide berth. Come to think of it, if you can even spell h-e-a-l-t-h-y, you'd be best advised to steer clear of any place where our staff eats. If, on the other hand, you are seeking only authentic thin-crust New York pizza to stuff your face, pay close attention. Easily accessible by bike or public transportation, Greco's is conveniently located, just a block away from the Metro Orange Line and bike path. If you do decide to dine in, you will be treated to a view of a cute petroleum refinery nestled amongst the body shops and purveyors of llantas usadas plying their wares along Hazeltine and Oxnard.

Greco's New York Pizza
6024 Hazeltine Avenue
Van Nuys, CA 91401

Arlington West - Santa Monica, CA

Raiding the Police Academy

The following report was contributed by our esteemed guest correspondent:

Located within Elysian Park, just a shotgun blast away from Dodger Statium, the Police Academy's cafe affords an opportunity for members of the public to ingest breakfast or lunch comestibles while rubbing shoulders with LA's finest. Known far and wide for superior Boston clam chowder, the menu features an array of American food staples and specialty items (no jokes about the pork dishes please).

After eating, diners can enjoy a scenic stroll around the academy grounds, which were constructed for the 1932 Olympic Games. Scores of lovebirds have tied the knot at the cafe-adjacent rock garden and waterfall. The restaurant interior would be described as 1950's basic cafe were it not for the nostalgic photographs and artifacts depicting the LAPD as far back as the nineteenth century.

Enjoy a meal to the accompaniment of gunfire without having to scramble under the tables to escape a drive-by. It's only the target ranges being used by your neighborhood cop. Regular customers say they can no longer digest their Denver omelettes without the aroma of cordite. Open Monday through Friday.

LAPRAAC Cafe
1800 N. Academy Rd.
Los Angeles, CA 90012

This Month's Adopt a Pet

I've been trying for months to get my landlord to do something about the homeless people who have invaded our parking garage and turned it into a den of iniquity. All of my appeals have fallen on deaf ears. As a last resort, I am turning to the community with this open call for adoption.

You can open your home to this well-preserved specimen of North American Homo Inebrius. You don't even have to go to the trouble of trapping one yourself using the peanut method used to hoodwink the possum (see possum entry below). Although the same method is just as potent if you substitute a bottle of Thunderbird or Night Train in place of the peanut.

Homo Inebrius' make great pets. They are nocturnal creatures who rarely, if ever, need bathing or any other grooming. They can subsist for half a day on a 12-pack of MGD, though you will have to get used to the persistent bleating of "Hey, buddy, do you have a dollar?" Egg crate foam mattress included. Serious inquiries only please.

Urban Wildlife - Playin' Possum?

No, he really is a possum! The frontier skills that won the old West are alive and well in the Southland. Backyard trappers are at it across the tri-county area. This do-it-yourself trend has not even hit the reality TV circuit yet! Everyone is sick of hearing about Paris Hilton and her pet kinkajou who had the good sense to bite her. Well, Paris eat your heart out!

This nocturnal critter sleeps during the day and munches on guavas by night. If you want one for yourself, all you have to do is set up this simple trap with a peanut jerry-rigged to the front door (bunny not included). The pet-to-be grabs hold of the bait and the door shuts behind him.

[Note: the trappers in question intend to release our furry friend into the wild ASAP. Also, no animals were harmed during the making of this blog.]

The Box Man Speaks!

The great and powerful Boxman, Marvin H. Zalowitz, can be found on the steps of the Van Nuys Courthouse, sharing his wisdom with the members of the community lined up for jury duty and other court appearances. Zalowitz can be easily identified, with his colorful top hat and arrangement of cardboard boxes emblazoned with slogans vilifying the President, Zionists and fascists alike. No one is safe from his crusading invective. His captive, early morning audience is bombarded with calls to resist imperialism, the bane of our suburban existence. The solution, he explains, is that God is love. If you’re wearing a suit, he might call you a fascist (lawyers are fascists in Boxmanland). We're unable to distill his message into a few simple bullet points; frankly, we can't make head or tail of it, so we’ll refer you to his website and let him explain it to you in his own words. The Bard once said, "The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool," but whatever - he lived a long time ago.

Shortly after Boxman left the podium, this enormous Costco-sized puddle of vomit (see photo) was found in the exact location where he gives his famous sermons on the mall (Erwin Street). We’re not suggesting that he makes people want to puke, but the coincidence is startling. Witness Golan Bitton exclaimed, “It looks like somebody exploded! It could have been a bear. They go sneaking around when no one is looking.” Personally, it looked like someone hurled a six-pack of burritos.

The Grim Reaper's Cell Phone

Dives of the Valley - Les Chiens Joyeux

...or Happy Dogs to the uninitiated is perhaps Van Nuys' best kept secret, nestled in a tiny outpost on the southwest corner of Van Nuys Boulevard & Erwin Street. A brief foreword for all of the wisenheimers who have been contacting us here at headquarters: The column is called "Dives of the Valley" not because these restaurants are anything but excellent, but rather these are the neglected stepchildren of the restaurant world serving up the lunch of champions to the underdog.

Upon arrival you will be greeted by your jovial hostess Sylvia, amidst the bustle of the lunchtime crowd. To the anthropologist it would appear that Happy Dogs is a place where you can exchange wooden spoons or spatulas for food. In fact what is going on is a much less complicated transaction. After you place your order at the front window, the cashier will hand you a large wooden spoon or other utensil with your order number on it. When your order is ready, you make an exchange.

The menu is extensive, ranging from teriyaki chicken bowls to fruit salad, but nobody would be caught dead eating those under the harsh glare of the Van Nuys sun. Those nutritious dishes are best nibbled under the cold fluorescent light of Dilbert's cubicle. This place is not painted red, white and blue for nothing; this is a red-blooded American burger joint. Most of the regulars, like our culinary sleuth, jump on combo # 1, a cheeseburger, medium drink and fries for $4.50. The food here is so delicious that our photographer was unable to find anyone who would stay still long enough to get a picture of a sandwich that wasn't half-way devoured.

Dives of the Valley - The Bear Pit

"Dern tootin' we cook with wood," is their slogan, however we'll never know for sure, since the Dives of the Valley staff was not allowed into the kitchen to inspect. Could it be that we look like raving lunatics? Maybe they were just afraid we'd stuff our pockets with ribs. Nevertheless, we left no stone unturned in the search for sustenance for today's maximum stature individual. Our team scoured the San Fernando Valley until we rolled up on the Bear Pit. Located kitty-corner to a large mobile home park in the city of Mission Hills, the Bear Pit has been barbecuing up a storm since the 1940s. Ever eager to stuff ourselves without breaking our meager budgets, our team descended upon the lunch specials with gusto. Really when figuring bang for your buck, the frugal diner ought to calculate lunch as two meals, since you probably won't be hungry when dinner time rolls around. We recommend the rib sandwich, which is really a big rack of pork ribs on garlic bread with a choice of two sides. For those who hunger for even more (this is the bear pit), check out the ribs & chicken in the photo.

Guitar Hank

Sittin' on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away... Chances are that if you've visited the Van Nuys courthouse, you've seen or heard Hank. Guitar Hank as his fans refer to him, provides daily live entertainment to the crowds of jurors and other members of the public who line up daily at Erwin Street Mall. In addition, he performs his live numbers for the community of freelance recycling entrepreneurs who call the Van Nuys Civic Center their home. Hank was thrilled to be photographed for this publication and said that his dad would be amazed by that contraption the photographer was wielding. Word on the street is he does Bar-Mitzvahs, Quincenieras and office holiday parties.

Dives of the Valley - Won's Coffee Shop

Today we visited Won's Coffee Shop located at 1440 Gilmore Street in Van Nuys (818) 780-8859. Won's is known for its Chinese & American food. This smoky 1950s style diner (and I'm talking real 1950s) features Chinese food of the type dished out to miners in the 19th century. Generous (working man's size) portions of chop suey, pork foo yung and kung pao chicken with rice and a burrito-sized egg roll are dished up daily for the $4.95 lunch special. An eclectic lunch crowd fills the bar, the main dining area and the VIP room in the back, ranging from mechanics, judges and cops to local neighborhood characters and ne'erdowells.

Golem

Since plastic flamingos and gnomes are considered gauche in WEHO, there is a new trend in lawn ornaments, yes the 15 foot tall suit of armor! Get one at Home Depot before your friends do.