The Box Man Speaks!

The great and powerful Boxman, Marvin H. Zalowitz, can be found on the steps of the Van Nuys Courthouse, sharing his wisdom with the members of the community lined up for jury duty and other court appearances. Zalowitz can be easily identified, with his colorful top hat and arrangement of cardboard boxes emblazoned with slogans vilifying the President, Zionists and fascists alike. No one is safe from his crusading invective. His captive, early morning audience is bombarded with calls to resist imperialism, the bane of our suburban existence. The solution, he explains, is that God is love. If you’re wearing a suit, he might call you a fascist (lawyers are fascists in Boxmanland). We're unable to distill his message into a few simple bullet points; frankly, we can't make head or tail of it, so we’ll refer you to his website and let him explain it to you in his own words. The Bard once said, "The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool," but whatever - he lived a long time ago.

Shortly after Boxman left the podium, this enormous Costco-sized puddle of vomit (see photo) was found in the exact location where he gives his famous sermons on the mall (Erwin Street). We’re not suggesting that he makes people want to puke, but the coincidence is startling. Witness Golan Bitton exclaimed, “It looks like somebody exploded! It could have been a bear. They go sneaking around when no one is looking.” Personally, it looked like someone hurled a six-pack of burritos.