This Month's Adopt a Pet

I've been trying for months to get my landlord to do something about the homeless people who have invaded our parking garage and turned it into a den of iniquity. All of my appeals have fallen on deaf ears. As a last resort, I am turning to the community with this open call for adoption.

You can open your home to this well-preserved specimen of North American Homo Inebrius. You don't even have to go to the trouble of trapping one yourself using the peanut method used to hoodwink the possum (see possum entry below). Although the same method is just as potent if you substitute a bottle of Thunderbird or Night Train in place of the peanut.

Homo Inebrius' make great pets. They are nocturnal creatures who rarely, if ever, need bathing or any other grooming. They can subsist for half a day on a 12-pack of MGD, though you will have to get used to the persistent bleating of "Hey, buddy, do you have a dollar?" Egg crate foam mattress included. Serious inquiries only please.